Thoughtful Parenting

This strength includes learning ideas and skills to meet each child’s needs as they grow and change through every age and stage.

Every day gives parents a chance to learn more about their child because…

  • Every child grows and learns in their own way at their own pace.
  • Each child has a unique blend of interests, strengths, struggles and needs.
  • As a child changes, parents need new approaches that work for both of them.

Ready to support your child? Find a FRC near you.

Thoughtful Parenting can mean…

Chart showing reward for good behavior

Doing something together that your child enjoys

Computer screen showing a search for help with toddler meltdowns

Encouraging behavior you want to see from your child

Young woman in three stages of growing up: young child, child, and teenager

Learning what you can expect at different ages

Chart showing rewards for good behavior

Trying different strategies for managing behavior

Computer screen showing a search for help with toddler meltdowns

Looking for parenting information, tools and ideas

Young woman in three stages of growing up: young child, child, and teenager

Knowing how to nurture kids as they grow

Strengths in Action…

There are no right answers. Thinking about these questions can help you understand your family’s strengths.

Your 3-month-old baby is still waking up every couple of hours during the night and you are exhausted at work. When your neighbor’s 3-month-old had the same issue, she used sleep training, letting her baby cry for several minutes to learn to fall asleep. You really want more sleep, but you're not sure if this is the right thing to do. How can your strengths help?
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• Feelings Matter – You already know your baby’s personality and understand that your baby has a harder time relaxing after waking up at night.
• Thoughtful Parenting– You understand that, even though it’s frustrating, waking up often at night is still normal for babies at this age.
• Strong Connections – You check in with a few trusted friends who are parents and share your values, asking for their advice and support.
• Inner Strength – You decide to go to bed earlier and sleep as much as you can on the weekends, even though it means letting the housework and other chores go.
• Practical Help – You call your baby’s clinic to ask about sleep training. The nurse tells you that some parents find it very helpful, but that your baby is still a little younger than recommended.
Your 10-year-old loves playing basketball, but like the rest of the family, they’re shorter than most kids their age and might stay that way. As they get closer to middle school, the competition is getting tougher. You might be tempted to suggest a sport that fits them better physically. How can your strengths help?
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• Feelings Matter – You can listen and help if your child feels frustrated or disappointed with their height or performance. You can encourage them to focus on what they enjoy about the sport. You can remind them that there are other ways to help the team, like being a good teammate, cheering on others, refereeing for younger kids, or even managing the team.
• Thoughtful Parenting – You know that kids grow at different rates and have different talents. Part of parenting is helping them focus on their strengths and work on areas where they might need more support.
• Practical Help – If your child isn’t standing out in basketball or getting to play much, you can help them find other ways to be involved, like joining recreational leagues, intramurals, or JV teams.
• Strong Connections – You can talk to other parents or neighbors about basketball opportunities for your child and encourage your child to connect with others too.
• Inner Strength – You remind yourself that facing disappointment can make your child stronger. You can use your own inner strength to go to games regularly and cheer them on and not worry if they’re not the best at something
Do you know why play is serious business for children?
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Early childhood teacher Maria Montessori once said, “Play is the work of the child” and children take play very seriously. It is how they learn about the world and themselves. It is, in fact, how they learn how to learn. Giving your young child time to play is essential for the growth of your child and has much greater benefits than teaching facts. The best part is they know how and want to do it naturally. However, creating an environment that encourages play makes it even more beneficial – free unstructured time, lots of things that spark imagination, opportunities to make choices, playmates, and the chance to take the lead and follow their own interests. Bonus points to you for joining in once in a while but don’t take over. Remember to follow your child’s direction.

Ideas and Tips

Here are some Ideas and Tips for Thoughtful Parenting.

7 Life skills Every Child Needs

The brain’s tools for getting things done are called “executive function” skills. These seven skills act like a manager within a person’s brain and help them to think before they act, stay on track and handle everyday tasks so they can achieve goals. These 7 important life skills, which parents can help children develop over time, have been linked to success in both childhood and adulthood.

  • Focus and self-control includes paying attention, remembering rules and information, using self-control and being able to change direction when needed. 

3 ways to help children grow this skill: 1) play matching or memory games 2) play stop and go games like “red light; green light”   3) Encourage kids to do what they can on their own and to keep trying. 

3 ways to help children grow this skill: 1) Ask your child to guess how others are feeling 2) pretend with your child 3) Talk about different ways to solve a conflict.

  • Communicating includes figuring out what you want to say, if others will understand what you mean, and how others might feel when they hear it. 

3 ways to help children grow this skill: 1) Talk to young children about what you are doing throughout the day 2) Ask your child to act out or tell you a story 3) Help children practice taking turns talking and listening. 

  • Making Connections includes connecting numbers and letters to their meaning, understanding same and different, and sorting things into categories. 

3 ways to help children grow this skill: 1) Write down words, lists, and stories for your child. 2) Play sorting games, putting things together by color, size or number. 3) Ask kids how a mistake happened and what they might want to know next time. 

  • Critical Thinking helps children search for information, think carefully about it, and use it to make sense of the world, guide their beliefs, choices, and actions, and solve problems. 

3 ways to help children grow this skill: 1) Teach children how to problem solve. 2) Read stories about solving a problem or conflict. 3) Ask I wonder …? And look for the answers together. 

  • Taking on Challenges means not giving up or ignoring hard things but thinking carefully and taking steps to handle or solve them. 

3 ways to help children grow this skill: 1) Help children plan what to do when something is hard. 2) Teach kids how to stay calm and show respect when they lose. 3) Encourage children to ask for ideas when they get stuck. 

  • Self-directed, Engaged Learning includes encouraging kids to stay curious and want to learn new things so they grow, change, and can meet new challenges over time. 

3 ways to help children grow this skill: 1) Help children find their own interests, set their own goals and plan how to reach them. 2) Give kids lots of free time for playing, because play is learning for kids.  3) Help children find friends and mentors who share their interests.

Focus on Feelings First

No-Drama Discipline, a book by Drs. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, helps parents and caregivers guide children’s behavior in a calm and caring way. Instead of using yelling or punishment, it teaches how to connect with kids, understand their feelings, and help them learn from their mistakes. The goal is to build stronger relationships and teach kids important life skills.

  1. Discipline means teaching.
    The goal is to help children learn, not just to control behavior.
  2. Connect first.
    Focus on your child’s feelings first, then correct their behavior.
  3. The brain is still growing.
    When kids are upset, they often can’t think clearly. They need your help calming down before they can behave and learn to do better.
  4. Behavior is a message.
    Children act out for a reason and not because they are bad. Often, they are tired, scared, hungry, bored or frustrated. Try figuring out the issue, so you can help with the problem.
  5. Use discipline to teach skills.
    This is a chance for your child to learn how to stay calm, talk about feelings, and solve problems.
  6. Stay calm.
    When you stay calm, your child feels safe and is more likely to listen and learn.
  7. Use fair consequences.
    Instead of yelling or punishing, use a consequence that matches the behavior and teaches your child how to do better.
Getting the most out of Screentime

It turns out that screens will not rot your child’s brain, but it is still good to pay close attention to how much and what kind of media your child uses. Even more important, though, is how good the media is and what you do to increase your child’s learning from media.

  • Choose high-quality shows, games, and apps that match your child’s age: Thinking about what your child is watching or playing is as important as how much. 
  • Take time to watch, play, and talk about shows and games with your kids:Sharing or talking about shows, videos or games together boosts their learning and their fun.
  • Pay attention to the amount of time kids spend on screens:Make sure kids are spending enough time on the things they need every day like sleep, play, meals, and being outdoors.
  • Keep screens in certain areas of the house:Bedrooms and eating areas are good “no screen” zones and only allowing screens in shared spaces helps you keep an eye on kids’ use.
  • Avoid allowing young kids to use media on your cell phone:To avoid fights try to keep kids’ media use at home and, if possible, on a TV screen that stays in one place.

    • Limit the time you spend on screens in front of your kids:Your kids watch and imitate what you do more than what you say.

  • Make a family media plan:It’s a great way to get everyone in the family on the same page about what is allowed and expected when it comes to screen use.

Check out the Healthy Media Use section of this website for more information and resources.

The 5 Basics

The 5 Basics

Five fun, simple, and powerful ways to help young children grow to be happy, good learners.

  • Maximize love, manage stress

Babies and young children need you to make their world feel loving, safe, and predictable.

  • Talk, Sing, and Point

From birth, children learn language by hearing words and connecting them to what they see.

  • Count, Group, and Compare

Talk about numbers, shapes and patterns in everyday life to build math skills.

  • Explore through Movement and Play

Children learn with their whole bodies and playing helps them grow to understand their world.

  • Read and Talk about Stories

Reading from babyhood on builds your child’s brain and makes your relationship stronger.

Make time for Reading

Reading to your child every day, even for just a little while, is really good for them. Start when they are babies and keep going through elementary school—and even longer if they still enjoy listening. They don’t have to sit still to learn while you read. Finding time to read can be hard, but here are some ideas to help you fit it into your day:

  • You can read during bath time.
  • You can read in the car (when someone else is driving).
  • You can read while you are eating lunch or dinner together.
  • You can read while you are waiting for the bus.
  • You can read while you are waiting for an appointment.
  • You can read while you are watching a sibling’s activity.
  • And, of course, you can read before bedtime.

Check out this booklist to find some fun books.

Why reading to your child is so important …
  • It gives kids special time with you and builds your bond
  • It teaches kids new words and information
  • It helps kids become better readers and writers
  • It teaches problem solving skills
  • It builds kids’ ability to pay attention longer
  • It helps kids use their imagination
  • It makes kids’ memories stronger
  • It lowers kids’ stress
  • It helps kids do better in school

Check out this booklist of books that make reading time fun for you and your child.

Why Dads are Special
  • Research shows that fathers play an important role in their children’s lives that is different than mothers. Here are valuable ways that dad’s support their children’s learning and growth:
    • Encouraging Healthy Risk Taking: Dads often play in active ways that help kids try new things and solve problems. This helps kids feel more confident.
    • Showing and Supporting Feelings: When dads show love and give attention to their children, kids become better at knowing, showing, and dealing with their own feelings.
    • Words and Ways of Thinking: Dads use different types of words and ways of talking, which helps kids learn more words and think in new ways.
    • Teaching Good Behavior: Kids with involved dads are more likely to get along with others and have fewer behavior problems.
    • Benefits that Continue: Kids with caring dads do better in school, feel better about themselves, and have healthy relationships when they grow up.

    Here are some resources made by dads for dads – Fatherly and DadTalk .

Learn more about development

Learning how children tend to develop helps you guide them better. It is important for you to know what to expect and what kids are able to do at different ages. Understanding your children’s actions and needs helps you encourage their growth and know when to look for outside help. Here are some resources that provide information about key developmental milestones:

  • The CDC Developmental Milestones webpage has terrific information about how children grow and change from birth to age 5, including a free Milestone Tracker App.
  • Just in Time Parenting is a free newsletter series for parents of children from pregnancy to age 5. You can sign up to receive a newsletter each month that matches your child’s age.
  • Zero to Three has a whole section on their website with resources for parents about children’s growth from pregnancy through age 3.
  • Parent Toolkit is an online resource that covers the school age years from pre-k through high school.
  • Successful Black Parentingis an online magazine geared for Black families with lots of good information about how kids grow.
Make Time for 9!

Building a strong relationship with your child is important. When you Make Time for 9 everyday, you are building that bond.

  • 9 touches: High fives, hugs, kisses, snuggles, pats on the back, or playful wrestling.
  • 9 minutes that matter: Children often need your attention during the first 3 minutes after they wake up, get home, and before bedtime. Take your time, look at them, and listen.
  • 9 minutes of conversation: From babies to teens, each child needs about 9 minutes a day of one-on-one talking with you. It can happen all at once or a little at a time but put phones away and really pay attention.
3 Steps to Get Kids to Listen

Because children’s brains are still developing, they need to feel connected to you before they are ready to listen. The way you begin talking to your child is just as important as what you say.

First, begin with a warm signal to prepare their brain to listen such as “When you are ready, I have something to tell you” or “I need your super-listening skills”.

Second, pause for a moment for their body and brain to get ready to listen.

Third, talk to them in a way that is clear and to the point.

Make Play a Part of Your Day

Play is something every child needs to learn and grow. Spending time with your child while they play—even just for a little while—can help you feel closer to each other. Here are some simple ways to make play part of your day: 

  • Go outside together.
  • Give your child free time to play every day.
  • Make everyday chores fun, like cooking or cleaning together.
  • Stop and pay attention when your child wants to show you something.
  • Have toys that spark imagination, like blocks, boxes, lids, or playdough.
  • Take a break from screens and put away devices for a while. 

For more ways you can play with your child, check out Brain Building Through Play or Ages and Stages Activities

Routines Help Kids Know What to Expect

Kids feel more confident and helpful when they know what’s coming next. Having a daily routine can make things like bedtime or homework easier for everyone. Here are some ways to add structure to your day: 

  • Schedule it: Set regular times for things like meals, naps, homework, and bedtime. Let older kids choose between options when possible.
  • Share it: Tell your kids the plan, one step at a time.
  • Show it: Put up a chart or list on the wall so everyone can see the plan.
  • Get ready for it: Give kids a quick warning before it’s time to switch activities.
  • Stick to it: If the plan gets off track, just try again.

If you are looking for in-person help with thoughtful parenting, Family Resource Centers have in-person classes or coaching and many other resources. Check out the Family Resource Center section of this website and find an FRC near you.

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Explore the 5 Strengths

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